Some Days Are Diamonds...
Mood:  hug me
Now Playing: Breathe (2AM) - Anna Nalick
Topic: A Visit With J
Just got back from J's place. I went down there with the guise that I wanted to watch a movie. I realize now that when I really want to say something...I have stage fright...or something...something being the perfect word.

I had planned exactly what I was going to say and exactly when I was going to say it. I was going to be so eloquent. I suppose planning anything ahead of time is never the best policy, right?

He said sometimes he thinks I am immature...I can honestly see that. I feel that to express myself to other people is almost a sign of human weakness. I don't really know where that attitude came from. So, in order to hide the fact that I am feeling true emotions...I cover it up with...fluff...or something that is of no importance to either the topic of conversation or myself at that moment.

So, I realized tonight that I do care about him. I have been going over that in my mind for about as long as I have known him...I mean there has always been respect...never love...never mentioned...I suppose he is much the same way regarding that issue. I mean in a world where I can easily say, "I love my car," or, "I love candy," to tell another person that you love them...lately to me it seems almost hypocritical...however it does seem that there is a very deep respect...or well...there was.

He did a bad thing and to an extent ruined that respect...I suppose that I need to write something to feel that I am actually dealing with the problem. Is it a problem? This is similar to what T, JW, S, and B all did to me. That does not make it right...that it has happend to me before. However, it seems different...maybe because by now I have become so jaded that it doesn't matter. But, that is not really it is it? I think it is because it has been so long since something like this happend. Or...I actually trusted him...which coming from me trust is not easily given...and once I have given my trust...I have a difficult time taking it back. I can't just write off someone I care about...I give second chances until it hurts...and it is really starting to.

So, the question is can I forgive him. I told him yes, I would forgive him...I had planned to mention several of the consequences which seemed applicable. However, it did seem odd because really I felt that he had never really opened up to me before...I do wish he would more often...he is really great to talk to. I fear now that he will never open up to me again...or things will become weird or strained between us. I mean there is always the memory of what happend, and while I can easily forgive, forgetting is the hardest part.

So, I decided that I would come home and write a journal, keep a blog whatever...something to help me sort my thoughts and feelings. It is working a little bit I suppose. I just wish he could understand that in those moments when he thinks I am blowing off the serious stuff...that I am really listening.

So, I have decided that until things between us are over...which I am not sure how long that will be...he gets me...the real me...I am a little afraid because I am not sure that I can be her again...but that is who I am right? Back to me...